Spending Christmas alone for the first time after a separation can be tough, but Kate Nestor, an experienced divorce coach, is here to help. With her compassionate approach and wealth of expertise, Kate provides practical strategies and emotional support to help you take control, find small joys, and create a holiday that feels right for you.

Many of my clients dread Christmas. There is something about the most wonderful time of the year that can make you feel, well pretty rubbish to be honest. Especially if it is your first after separation, or without the kids.

Steeped in expectations and pressure, the unrealistic images of Christmas family bliss plastered across TV and social media can shine a spotlight on the complications of your own situation, leaving you feeling a festive failure.

However, it does not have to be this way and whilst it’s right to acknowledge it will be difficult at times, this year, it’s time to stop thinking about what Christmas should be and start planning for what you would like it to be.

Focus on what you can control 

Before you begin, take some time to look at what you can, and what you can’t control about spending Christmas alone.

Can you control what your ex does, or says? No, you can’t. But you can control how you respond. You can control how you approach Christmas, how you feel about Christmas, and what plans you make.

It can be helpful to put together two lists here and refer back to them when you can. As this Christmas, you are going to focus on the things you can control.

Get planning 

To start, it can help to map out your Christmas – these can be long holidays if you have nothing booked in.

So, get your calendar out (in whatever format you use), make sure everything planned already is detailed and then take an overview look at how the whole Christmas break is for you.

Look at your busy times, quieter times and perhaps those times you think you’ll find it difficult – for example, you are alone Christmas morning, or the kids are with their other parent on Christmas Eve, or everyone leaves on the 27th and you have nothing booked in for a few days.

Taking this view will help you identify any trigger points, any gaps or times you may need to book in some downtime or make some plans.

Now that you know the spaces, it is time to fill them.

What would you like to do this Christmas? 

Christmas does not have to be just about three key days. This is a whole holiday season, and you can fill it with a mix of things you love and some rest time.

Ask yourself 

• Is there anything you have always wanted to do at Christmas that you could not before?
• Who would you like to spend it with?
• What would you like to do?
• What makes you happy at Christmas? (Remember though, focus on what you can control)

Christmas may not be the same, but it could be alright if you fill it with time spent with people you love, doing things that make you happy, and maybe things you have never done before but always wanted to.

Once you have thought it through, go back and look at those trigger moments and start to layer in some plans to help you navigate the season.

Accept the invites, make the plans 

It can feel like the hardest thing to do when you would rather hide away, but this year you need to accept the invites and make the plans. Family and friends can be a great support. Spend time with the ones that make you feel good about yourself, make you laugh, and that you can relax with. Avoid the ones that drain you, are always negative and make you feel worse. This is the season to be jolly after all.

Throw the traditions rule book out of the window 

There is no law to say you can only eat Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. If you have children, and they are not with you on the actual day – have it on another day over the holidays.

In fact, have it whenever you like, and eat whatever you and the kids like. Perhaps each person picks their favourite Christmas dish, or something completely different. Depending on their age, get them involved. And yes, kids love routine and tradition, but they also love to break the rules from time to time. Before you know it, you’ll have made a whole new bunch of festive traditions.

Build in time for you

It’s also really important to acknowledge that some moments will be tough. Divorce and separation are difficult at the best of times, but things can feel even more magnified at Christmas. You need to take care of yourself, build in time to relax and recover, keep some routine going, exercise and be kind to yourself. I often say to clients, how would you treat your best friend if they were going through a relationship breakdown? Then imagine you are that best friend and treat yourself in the same way.

Stay off social media 

Stay off the socials as much as possible. It’s not real. It’s just the edited highlights of someone else’s life that they want you to see. Focus on your own Christmas, family and friends and what makes you happy.

So, this festive season, peel off the expectations, focus on what you can control, fill your time with people and things that you love and acknowledge that yes, it is tough, but within it in you’ll find happiness and start to make a whole new world of traditions, to take forward for years to come.

Have a wonderful Christmas.

You can find out more about the work Kate does supporting her clients, and divorce coaching at Stowe here.